Define 'Normal'
by faux nostalgia
Summary: AU - Loved by everyone, Robin only hated. Hated by the world, Kori only loved. As their lives entwine, their past not only destroys them, but belief on their own normality as well.
1. stage o1

**Title:** Define 'Normal'  
**Pairing: **Robin x Starfire (possible other pairing)  
**Rating:** future M  
**Warning:** language, content, dark, possible OOC (to people's POV)  
**Genre: **romance, angst, drama  
**Summary:** loved by many, Robin only hated. Hated by the world and everyone else, Kori only loved. As their lives entwine, their past not only destroy them, but beliefs on their own normality as well.  
**Credits:** MARS by Fuyumi Soryo (I take absolutely no credit on the plot, except of the writing idea, omit the drawing) / Teen Titans

**Author's Note:** I've posted this story before but I had no idea why I deleted it. It took me 2-4 years later to decide that I should repost it again.

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stage o1

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_**My Daily Diary, Entry #1 of today's event:**  
' Writing is not simply about telling other people what you want them to know in words. It is about secretly expressing yourself in a way that no voice can convey. '  
That is what Raven told me.  
I have met her and been her friend before summer started this year, which was three and a half months ago. I am still new to this place, to this world... although I am born on it.  
I do not know why I have been well kept 'in the box', as Raven tells it, for nearly my entire life. But as I was saying—err—writing, I am told that authorship is a great way to endure the troubled mind.  
Is Raven correct?  
I do not know.  
Although I am human, I have not seen the world properly yet. Mother, father, and even sister, tells me that I am too fragile to encounter it. They tell me that many obstacles will be in my way and that there are many 'deviants', as my sister puts it, that will wallow my sight with their 'ugly eyes'.  
I do not know.  
I do not get it.  
The world is wondrous.  
It is a what you call, a 'paradise', yes?  
Jump City is a wondrous place, no doubt. I am able to express my feelings to both Raven and on this daily book she had given me out of the blues. I am happy.  
If I were to secretly express myself in a way I cannot voice out... I will write the word 'happy' all the way down the page until I am able to reach the second page.  
Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy—  
I am sorry for not fulfilling such an assumed easy task.  
I have forgotten how tiring it is to write a word repeatedly so much... and so fast. I think I will just continue with what I have in my mind.  
I do not think I have mention anything about my friend Raven in today's daily event. If I had done so, I will repeatedly write it again.  
She is the person who told me to not just express my feelings with actions or voices, but also with words or pictures. I am satisfied to learn this for I would not have written this right now.  
Have I not mention that Raven is my bestest best friend in the world?  
I believe I have not.  
Very well. I will write about her here.  
Although we are bestest best of friends, we are not... exactly alike.  
Since I am new to this outside world, I still do not understand what it is for people to 'get close' to each other. I have asked Raven such a question yet she merely replied the same monotonous ' ... ' when such... elating topic picks up.  
I guess she and I are not alike in more than one way. But she is the only person who understands me.  
It is... like you say... yin and yang? Black and white? Peace and war? Fire and water? Light and dark?  
Oh, yes.  
Light and dark.  
As to say, I am mostly... more uplifting than she is. Even if we are not exactly similar I feel the aura that we are the same in emotions.  
' Bright people have their own shadows, as shadowed people have their spark of light. '  
That is what she told me. I believe she is right.  
I believe we are different outside... yet similar inside.  
I believe we almost have the same past.  
I believe that we also share the same pain.  
Do we not?  
(If you are attempting to read this, Raven, do not worry. I have no words written against you here. Merely, just a praise :) )  
Then... Raven, have you anything bright in your soul, then? As I have anything shadowed in my heart?_

She giggled.

_I am told that I have many talents. That if I could write, I can write. If I can draw, I will draw. If I can, I can. That is what mother, father, and Raven told me.  
I think they are right.  
Found City has always been my home. I think I will miss it dearly. As of now, I will enjoy Jump City for the time being.  
Mother does not want me home yet. She is rather content that I had befriended someone so quickly.  
I feel she is rather... surprise.  
Sister is quite shocked, too. I do not know why.  
They are acting very strange. _

She tapped her pen on the page for a minute.

_I love to write.  
I deeply love this daily journal book. I am able to write my feelings when nobody is around to share it with.  
The wondrous of it all is that, I am currently writing out in the park. I feel the breeze against my skin and hair. It is not quite cold, and neither is it quite warm.  
Autumn is a wondrous time of the season, yet I cannot wait for winter.  
It is quiet and white and the snow is very bright—oh, look, Raven! I have made a rhyme! I am able to write another short poetry! This time, it is not so depressing!_

She smiled.

_This is a point where I begin to wonder.  
Why are people so.. different?  
I imagined the world revolves around people who are the same. But they are different. Raven is different. My other classmates are quite different.  
Why is Raven treated so... ' normally ' whilst my new school friends treat me as if I was never born in this planet?  
' The world is a cruel place... Life is never fair... Nobody is the same... '  
Raven has made sure it was correct.  
I had just came out of my 'in the walls' many months ago. My new school year is quite... I do not know... intimidating?  
Raven says they are always intimidating. I quietly understand her pain for she is what they call ' depressed ', or, was it not ' gothic '?  
Yet I do not know why they call me a ' wanna-be '. I ask friend Raven why I am called that. She tells me that I merely try too hard.  
Am I really?  
Do I really?  
I ask her why classmate Kitten refers me as a ' bitch '? I am not a dog, neither am I a female canine, and I am a human being like her. But Raven does not reply.  
There are many things I do not understand... especially this— _

"Excuse me. Do you know where the new hospital around this area is? I've been kinda circling around but I can't find it anywhere."

Innocent sad eyes met a pair of eyes hidden beneath thick black sunglasses. Kori Anders quietly widened her eyes and stared at the boy who had just spoken to her. Or, rather, stared at her stunned reflection.

"Ulp...?" she squeaked silently.

The boy gave her a look, his brows shooting up.

"Um... can you tell me where it is?" he repeated.

Beneath his politeness, she felt the tint of impatience. Her stomach did a frightening flip and she gripped the edges of her notebook tight. The boy stared at her.

"Uh..." he muttered, "do you know where it is? It's all right if you don't... I can just someone else..."

There was a moment's pause before the boy decided to turn around and walk away. Instead, Kori Anders flipped her book the other way and skimmed through her wrinkled pages. The boy watched as she quickly drew something with slight nervousness. When she was finished, she quickly ripped the paper and shoved it to his chest. The boy stepped back, confused.

"Uh... thanks?" before she could hear him, she turned around and ran away.

The young man frowned.

"What the hell...? What was _that_ all about?"

* * *

Kori Anders quickly turned the key and opened the gates. It took quite a while to reach the entrance door since it was practically half a mile away from the front garden, silently cursing her parents for affording a grand manor when they barely use it.

She ran up the high staircase, turning right onto a large hallway.

"Oh... you're back already?"

Kori looked up to see her sister passing by.

"Sister," she huffed. "I thought you were partying today?"

"Oh puh - _lease," _the black haired look-alike rolled her eyes, "I'm already exhausted from _yesterday's _party."

Then, she frowned.

"Hey, I thought you were living what that freak of a friend of yours."

Kori straightened up and sent her sister an expressionless gaze.

"Please do not call Raven such a monstrous word, Komm," she remarked. Although she sounded a little harsh, there was a hint of sadness in her voice.

Her sister flicked her ebony hair over her shoulders and 'tsk'-ed.

"Whatever," she muttered, "oh, and it's Blackfire, to you, _Starfire_."

Kori pursed her lips.

"Very well, Blackfire," she murmured, "I will retire to my untouched room. Raven is doing her job at her book store. I cannot go in the house for the door is locked."

"Didn't the goth give you a spare key?" Blackfire chided.

Kori gave a timid chuckle and rubbed the back of her head.

"Um... I have forgotten it inside the house again," she answered nervously, her cheeks tinted pink with embarrassment, "I believe I will have to stay for the night in my old home until I am able to call my friend... again."

Blackfire clucked her tongue.

"So... then what's the hurry, sis?" she asked. "You never were so excited coming home _here_."

Kori pursed her lips. Blackfire never cared, especially when it was about her or Raven.

"I was happily writing on my daily journal when a boy I am not quite comfortable with began to converse to me," she answered quietly.

Blackfire sneered.

"Aw, and he didn't try to violate you or anything?"

"No. I was able to run away before he could say any more."

"Oh. Well _that's _a bring-down to my life," Blackfire pouted sullenly. "Typical you. Careful, sis. Innocence can be _easily_ broken. And I don't just mean your heart. Any boy _will_ try to make a woman out of that body of yours." Kori heard her chuckle and walk away.

_Why does she always advice me such disturbing phrases?_

She turned around and quietly slipped into her room. She shut the door behind her and sat on a large bed. With a sigh, she stared at the familiar surrounding.

_Thank goodness tomorrow is the last day of the week-end. I do not like the memories of this place at all._

* * *

1 o'clock A. M.

Raven turned the door knob and raised an eyebrow when it didn't turn.

_What the hell...?_

Kori never locked the door when she came home. Routine followed with Raven being the last one home and locking it.

That was when she knew the girl wasn't inside.

"She can't be," she murmured, "there's no other place for her to go but my place and..."

She trailed off. She gave an exhausted sigh and pulled out her own keys.

"Geez," she muttered, "don't tell me you forgot your stupid keys again. Am I supposed to glue the notes I stuck on the fridge in your brain instead?"

She opened the door and took off her boots, pulling her hood down as she set the light to the right luminosity.

She headed to the living room and slumped down on the soft mattress. The dimness radiated her usual mood of vacancy as she stared at the TV in front of her.

_Out of all the places you hated, you just had to stay at the worst possible spot. _

With another weary sigh, she picked up the phone and dialed her number.

"Better call you up now to make sure you're still sane."

* * *

"Yes. I would like to be picked up. It is not a bother for you? I thank you. I will watch out... Really? One can shove a paper note through someone's brain? Is that not possible? Oh... ha-ha, a joke, yes? All right... I will wait half an hour. May my sanity be saved. See you outside, Raven."

Kori hung up and fiddled on her pen as she placed her chin on her palm. She stared at her journal and sighed.

_**My Daily Diary, Entry #2 of today's event:**  
I do not think I understand this world. Is it strange for a human to not understand beings that are also humans?  
Is it strange for a human being to not understand her world?  
People ask me if I was normal. I do not understand. Normal is something regarded as a normative example. Is everyone suppose to be normal?  
Am I not normal?  
Why do people call me a ' wannabe '? I am told that I merely 'go happy-go-lucky ' for attention. Why can people not be as happy as I?  
I am like that, but they do not know me fully yet. I think I will have to make them understand that in order to make the world round, one must be happy and make another happy and make another happy.  
That is what I have seen in a cartoon show I have watch that Raven did not like. Hence was it too.. happy?  
I do not know.  
I do not get it._

She paused.

_My name is Kori Anders. I am called Starfire by certain people who knew my past. I do not know why I look like I am right now.  
I am only a human being.  
Human beings have feelings.  
So I am a human being.  
Am I not?  
Human beings stimulates different looks and sizes, yet... we are just all the same.  
Inside and out. Correct?  
I do not know.  
I am nineteen-years-old, two months younger than Raven. My birthday is in summer yet I prefer the opposite season. I like the color purple. Green suits me quite well, also. I am quite taller than everyone because I constantly wear ' high-heeled platform boots '.  
I like to be tall.  
Is that why I want to stick out?  
I want to make friends. I do not want to be afraid alone.  
I want to share my feelings with someone. Someone who is also not Raven. She is a great listener yet she cannot fully express her own feelings.  
I would like to help someone's feelings.  
Is that why I want to stand out?  
Is that why I wish to receive attention?_

Kori breathed and scanned her journal. A flashback occurred and she jot down a few more.

_Sometimes, I fear the world. I do not know why, but there is really many obstacles crossing my journeys.  
Sometimes... I fear humans, though I am also one.  
I fear certain kinds, such as that boy who had asked me directions. I have seen him during the last two months of last year's school year I had attended.  
He is a troublemaker.  
He not quite... kind looking.  
He is always wearing such thick shades to hide his eyes. It is so thick that I am only able to see my own reflection clearly as daylight.  
I always see him wearing it all the time. I hear that he does not listen to anyone. Someone told me he was a top student in high school, yet... he looks unacceptable to be in business.  
That is possibly because he is always seen with his motorcycle?  
It is a strange looking thing, anything I have ever seen.  
Girls are always following him like a mouse on cheese. I have seen him doing felonious things at such a young age.  
I do not like him.  
He is very scary.  
He has not attended the first month of this year's semester. I believe he is in a few of my courses.  
Yes.  
I clearly remember which class he is in.  
I also fear that he will be seated next to the empty seat beside mine...  
I am scared.  
I do not know why.  
He is frightening.  
However... there is a nimbus of hidden feelings that is masking his features. I can feel them. I believe it is a term that Raven calls 'hiding behind a mask of conceit'. As she is also doing. He is called Robin... I think. One boy who I once always saw walking around with him seem to call him that. Such a carefree flight of name for such a troublesome being...  
He is scary to me.  
I do not think I like him that much.  
But perhaps... he was once a shining person whose darkness overpowered him up so much... making him a shadowed person who has forgotten his spark of light?  
I do not know.  
Though I fear I may be correct._

-

**tbc.**

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**AN:** ...well, how was my outdated noob prose of fanfic? Yeah, whatever, it's got mistakes .-.

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	2. stage o2

**Title:** Define 'Normal'  
**Pairing: **Robin x Starfire (possible other pairing)  
**Rating:** future M  
**Warning:** language, content, dark, possible OOC (to people's POV)  
**Genre: **romance, angst, drama  
**Summary:** loved by many, Robin only hated. Hated by the world and everyone else, Kori only loved. As their lives entwine, their past not only destroy them, but beliefs on their own normality as well.  
**Credits:** MARS by Fuyumi Soryo (I take absolutely no credit on the plot, except of the writing idea, omit the drawing) / Teen Titans

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**Define ' N O R M A L '  
**stage o2

* * *

"You missed that one kick?"

"Uh huh."

"And you slipped."

"Yep. _And_ fell."

"Then you lost consciousness."

"'Guess so. Hey, don't forget that the cycle rolled on top of me and I had to do a hundred spins halfway 'round the burning track."

Richard Grayson sent his friend an irritatedly sarcastic glare.

"Speedy, I don't think it's appropriate to talk about what just happened that casually," he told him, "this is a serious thing we're talking about."

He watched as the red-haired raked his untamed locks with his fingers.

"My _hair_ is a serious thing we're talking about. Ah, jeez... I'm gonna start lookin' like you."

It wasn't everyday that Speedy was seen without gel in his glossy red hair. Truth be told, he seemed a little Richard Grayson alike, except for the eyes and hair color, that is. Being cooped up in the hospital for nearly two weeks did his cool feature quite a lot.

"_This_ is a serious thing we're talking about!" Richard repeated, "be serious for once!"

The red-haired spat.

"If it's that serious, I should've died."

Richard frowned.

"Now, you're just being sarcastic."

Speedy cocked his head to one side.

"_Am_ I really?"

Richard covered his mouth with his right hand to suppress the upcoming scream. Speedy rolled his eyes and continued sipping his chicken soup laid on a bed tray.

He had dodged Richard's sober questions with the warmth of his supper. The poor lad had been annoying him with stupid interrogations for the last thrity minutes. He just wanted to finish his soup.

"For God's sake, Speedy, answer me straight!" Richard growled.

Speedy looked up from the steam rising on his spoon.

"You called?" he sipped innocently.

The black-haired seethed.

"If you hadn't fallen off your motorcycle and made it alive, I'd've strangled you to death right now."

"All right. But I warn ya... it's not right to kill a patient who nearly had his death bed."

"_Jesus_..." Richard brushed his messy black hair with his hand and held them up in defeat. "I give up. I don't care. This is useless! Just say whatever you want! At least let me do you a favor for no reason."

Speedy looked up.

"A favor, you say?"

Richard nodded.

"Just so I have a reason for visiting your sorry ass."

"Hmm... how 'bout you leave me alone and let me finish my broth? Your breathing the steam away with your useless questions."

There was never a time this idiot was serious to him. It really killed his patience. Literally.

Richard was about to stand up and pounce on him with retracted hands until Speedy raised a free hand to stop him.

"Okay, like, chill," he told him, "settle down and sit."

Richard glared at him.

"Are you going to be serious to me now?"

"Hey, since when was I ever serious to you?" Speedy smirked and added a quick "just kidding!" in reflex before Richard took a punch out of him.

With a sigh, Richard crouched to rest his elbows on his knees.

"You know, I don't think you'll be out for a short time," he told him.

Speedy leaned against his pillow.

"I know. I figured."

"This could ruin your career."

"I know."

"What are you supposed to do now?"

Speedy didn't answer. Rather, he simply handed Richard his tray for him to put on the floor.

"I don't know yet. I've been trying to think about that for the last three days and nights."

"Oh? And what about the rest of the days?"

Speedy gave him a sly smile.

"Too busy flirtin' with the sexy nurses. Gives me a great time to relax a bit, you know? And, hey... guess what, Rob?"

Richard stared at him. He watched Speedy's expression with vacant eyes. The feeling of uneasiness brushed through the walls of his stomach. Speedy's sly grin softened.

"At least... now, you'll be number one."

"But what about you? What about the whole gang?"

Speedy shrugged and closed his eyes.

"Ah, well. I'm retiring as of now for this cause," he replied, "what do you expect me to do now that this stupid incident happened?"

"It wasn't stupid!" the black haired bit back an angry yell, only to start an argument, "nobody expected that to happen like you didn't yourself. Just because you missed that last acceleration doesn't mean that—"

"I lost a leg, Robin," Speedy spat, "what else can you expect me to do? Sure I can still race with one real leg and one fake leg but if it'll cost me another accident, losing my other real leg... I can never ride motorcycles again."

Richard hesitated before asking, "what do you mean?"

"You know well what I mean and I'm not repeating it again," Speedy confirmed, "I'm retirning. Don't worry about me. All I have to worry is you now. At least I've stopped worrying about me only to worry about you now."

Richard pursed his lips.

"Besides," Speedy continued, "even if I wanted to continue racing, I can't with this body. I've lost half of what's left of my endurance for speed. You're the only one left in Jump City who can match up to mine."

Nobody could deny a serious person. Especially when it was Speedy being serious. Especially when he was being serious about racing.

Richard's gaze ran down to the clear white floor.

If he hadn't persuaded him to switch to the last round of time, he wouldn't have been this way. It wasn't the first he had persuaded Speedy to do something he thought Speedy really could.

Was he just too confident?

Speedy was his older idol, next to... nobody else. He had always been there with him when racing took a hard slap on him or when everyone was just pissing him off.

He was the only one to stop him from doing dangerous things. Because he told him that racing was one of the greatest way to forget everything.

He was right.

He _did_ forget about everything...

Had Speedy forgotten about the dangers of his life when he began to race?

People who fall off their bikes so easily were those who had too much negative things in his mind. Speedy fell only one and half way of the course.

He was never one to think so negatively when racing. What had he been thinking about?

"I'll tell you one thing," Speedy mumbled, cutting off his self-tension, "It was both... painless and painful."

Richard looked at him.

"When you fell?"

The red-haired nodded and beamed.

"When I fell off my bke, it was like I was soaring in the air. Like I was flying. But I wasn't flying too high. And next thing I know, everything was dark."

Richard clenched his hands.

"How did it feel like?"

"How?"

Richard nodded. Speedy sent him a contented smile.

"Like I was dreaming."

"Hmm," Richard lowered his eyes. He'd felt that... more than once. Half of him liked it. Half of him didn't. Maybe it was because he didn't give a shit about anything before he met anybody. Maybe it was because he didn't care about living anymore. Maybe it was because he wanted to die. Because he was alone. Now that that feeling happened again, and to Speedy, yet... he felt it again.

Speedy wasn't there to race with and against him anymore. He was finished. He was done with racing. He was done with being intoxicated from the speed of air.

Richard Grayson was, again, alone.

"Robin."

Richard's eyes shot up as he looked at Speedy.

"Yeah?"

Speedy grabbed an extra pillow from behind him and threw it at his chest.

"Quit lookin' like that," he told him. "I can still read your eyes behind those shades, you know. I'm not dumb."

Richard didn't reply. How was he supposed to support Speedy from now on when we wasn't in the course anymore?

All he could do now is support him and hope that he could get out of the hospital soon.

"Hey, I said quit lookin' like that," Speedy told him, "I'm sick of people talkin' 'bout dyin' an' accidents."

Richard shook his head.

"No, it's not that... I was just trying to imagine what it would be like to die."

"Stop bein' so veto," Speedy frowned, "besides, you wouldn't be caught dyin' on anythin'."

"Whatever."

"Oh, and one more thing," Speedy added, "_don't _try to do anything reckless that'll cause you in a condition as worse as _mine_."

Richard shrugged.

"Ain't gonna happen," he answered quietly, "besides... nobody that stupid would cry over my death."

_I'm sure of that._

"Hell, I would," Speedy responded, "But I ain't gonna cry like some wimps, I tell you, maybe just a teeny-weeny, _iddy-biddy _teardrop and that's it. Trust me, I _will_ worry about you like a father and his son out on huntin'."

Richard forced a small smile.

"Sure." _But how can you? You were just near your death-bed. How can you worry about me instead of yourself, you idiot?_

"Oh, hey!" Speedy yelped loudly, causing Richard to face-fault. "I just realized!"

"What?"

"How'd you find this hospital? You never were good 'round this neighbourhood."

"You're welcome for the comment," Richard spat and searched around the pockets of his jacket. "I asked a person... some girl I saw out in the park nearby yesterday. I was supposed to visit you yesterday... but I didn't. So"—he took out a crumpled paper-ball—"she drew me in a map. I had it memorized yesterday with one look."

He chucked the ball at Speedy to show him his evidence.

"You may still need this, you know," he told the black-haired.

"Why?"

"Because you might forget where this hospital is again," before Richard could spit at him, Speedy studied the quick sketch. "Wow, neat doodlin'. Like a pre-schooler... heh, you sure you asked someone your age?"

"Uh, yeah. It was some weird depressed looking girl. Didn't have time to thank her 'cause she ran away from me. I think she's in my school. Some weirdo, probably. Anyone who's scared of me are from my school or anywhere near my neighbourhood." Richard shrugged.

He watched as Speedy turned to the back of the paper. The red-haired's humourous smile faded. He sent Richard a frown. The tension came back.

"If you were trying to be serious with this visit, you could have at least told me the reason why," he loured solemnly.

Richard was bitten back by his sharpness.

"What're you talking about?"

"This is just a joke right? You're just kidding, right?" Speedy asked, "we've had this talk already. I thought you're problem was almost fixed. Were you just pretending? And what the fuck is a _Starfire_?"

_What the hell...?_

He watched as Speedy crumpled the paper back into a ball and threw it at his glasses. With a suspiscious glance at his friend, Richard grabbed the ball and opened it.

* * *

"Oh, how _dreadful_ this evening is!"

There was a strange loud clatter somewhere inside the kitchen room, as Raven flinched for the tenth time, reading a book in the living room.

"Star, could you _shut up _in there?" she grouched.

"I am sorry, friend Raven! This—Oh, no!—there falls friend Raven's dinner on the tainted ground!—Oh, no!—there flies friend Raven's edible cow meat!—oh no!—a fly is in friend Raven's food!"

_Oh, God. Not again. _

"There's no use cooking when you don't know how," the gothic chided.

"But I must exceed such a difficult task! I must cook until I am as weary and as mastered to it! Oh dear... there is another fly on friend Raven's _stickered pots_."

"_Look! If you want me to order food again, I can do that!_" Raven hollered.

"No, no, no, no, no! I must pass this mission!" Kori Anders cried and yelped as another clatter eroded from the kitchen room. "Oh dear... I do believe we will need... more implements for cooking ware... I believe I have... broken another one..."

* * *

"Listen; just _leave - me - alone_, would ya?... no.... _no_... NO!.... I said I can take care of myself! I'm seventeen for God's sake, you old man!—_yeah, I can call you that whenever I want!—_you can't stop me, _old man! _There I said it!.... NO! I already told you—_NO_."

With an angry yell, Richard slammed the receiver hard on its nest, causing more cracks to come out from the recent clefts that had appeared before.

"You stupid moron," he gritted and fell down on his bed. A large piece of mattress on a corner side beside the phone, which was laid on the floor.

_Why does he still call me when he keeps telling me to get the hell out of his house?_

"Get in, get out. Get in, get out. Get in, get out," he mumbled as he took off his shade. He took a pillow and pressed it on his face.

He supressed another scream he so wanted to yell out. Lately, that's what he'd been doing all his life.

He had just been stalked by another bad day. One short visit from his friend turned out to be a bummer. Why was Speedy so worked up anyway?

It was just a simple note behind a drawn map. What was so bad about it? Anyone could make a silly mistake.

Was that so bad?

Girls always left him notes about anything. Mostly love notes. Varieties containing a piece of paper with the words 'I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU! PLEASE MAKE ME YOURS' or a ten paged letter about everything he did that day (the thought sent shivers down his spine).

He never took them seriously.

Besides... he was just an object to them. Right?

Girls here. Girls there. Hell, even girl's twice his age wanted to be known by him. Because he was _the_ Richard Grayson adopted by _him_.

He'd never been in a relationship. Never been in any real relationship.

But it didn't matter. He'd never been in true love. Never known true love. But it was okay.

So long as he had speed, it was all he needed. There was nothing else in the world that mattered but the adrenaline pumping. Nothing else that matters in his life.

Higher than any illegal drug... racing was even better.

Nothing else mattered.

_Nothing else. _

The phone rang again. With a sigh, Richard picked it up.

"Yeah - _what_?" he grumbled. "Oh... 'ey, Garf. Uh... yeah... oh... no thanks. Too busy... uhh... doing what, you say? Uh... sleeping... oh shaddup, just because I got nothing in this hellhole doesn't mean that I can do anything better but sleep. Shut up! Yeah... yeah... good luck... sure... bye."

_Nothing else. _

"Who'd cry over my death anyway," he mumbled to himself. "Everyone? Sure. Then they won't have their 'Richard Grayson' to make them cooler to hang around with."

_I've never known true love. Nor should I care. It's not like it's _that_ important. It doesn't have to be. Everyone doesn't have to know true love, right? _

It's just a feeling. A simple emotion that lets you dream of things that might happen.

Racing was all that matter. Nothing else. Nobody else.

Speedy had just ditched him. It didn't matter anymore.

Everyone always ditched him. Because he's so tough, he don't need nobody.

"I shouldn't care about anyone." _Not anymore._

He grabbed the paperball from his trouser pocket and unfolded it. It was now a complete wrinkled mess. He could barely see the map the girl had drawn to him.

But when he turned it to the other side, no wrinkles could ever smudge out what was written on there.

_' I cannot stand the world.__I cannot stand myself.__  
I am losing it.__My reasoning will disappear soon.__  
I beg to die.  
__I am slowly forgetting my sanity.__I wish to die.__I wish to kill myself.__No.__I am certain I will kill 'myself'.__Because Starfire is already dead.  
My humanity is next. '_

"Just give and take. Give and take. Get in, get out. Get in, get out," he told him self.

_I shouldn't care about nobody. I shouldn't worry. Not even this girl. _

Throughout the whole night, he re-read the simple paragraph... wondering if the fading crimson blot that blurred the word '_Starfire_' wasn't what he believed it could be.

-

**tbc.**

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**A/N: **I do not have a beta, nor am I willing to make this story any better. Please enjoy my sporadic updates (cry)


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